Cancun – July 2011

July 23^rd, Saturday

Here I’m again: same spot on the same chair on the same beach…. Was it just yesterday that I left?… It defiantly feels like it though… But first thing first – the flight (I can’t spend almost 8 hours in airports/planes and not have a story to tell, right?J)

On my Vancouver-Phoenix flight I met a guy… a single guy… and, probably, gay (just a guess). We started talking and I discovered that he used to work as a high-school teacher for 12 years. Then, about 6 years ago, he left his job and became a travel consultant (or travel advisor of some sort – don’t remember exactly how he called himself). The interesting thing is what he actually does for work – he provides help/assistance/advice to seniors/disabled people for a fee. This sounds funny until you find out that he makes 3 times more (!) than what he made as a teacher, spends 3 times less time on it and travels for living. So, he, pretty much, travels with seniors/disabled people and provides help for them with they travel AND they pay him for that AND pay for his share of travel expenses. Not bad, hey? He, also, stays with them everywhere (i.e., fancy hotels), visits all the sightseeing/places they go to (i.e., opera house) AND they pay him for doing it. How smart should somebody be to come up with this sort of idea???? His charge ranges from $500 to $1K per DAY!!! So, for, say, a week, not only he gets to travel for FREE, but he also gets paid about $7K for it on top! Beat that!

The flight was about 3 hours long, and we talked for about 2 out of the 3 hours. Then, about 15 minutes before landing, I asked him about the book he was reading (peeking over his shoulder and reading a few sentences, I thought it was some hard core religious mambo-jumbo). But he said it was about self-discovery/transformation. Oh, that sounded much more interesting. I asked if it was something like “Power of now” or “The Secret”. He said: Yes, yes, exactly. The next thing you know we talk about self-discovery, transformation, self-quest. And a few moments later we discovered that we both tried ayah! He said he couldn’t believe that we wasted 2 hours of this flight and didn’t talk about ayahJ. He was very impressed with my trip to Peru and very upset that it sort of didn’t work on me (or worked in a certain kind of way that was not as impressive as it can be). He said that he’s done about 12 ceremonies in Van, and that these were the most transformational events of his entire life. He left me his contact info and said that I should try the group that he did it with – they meet 2x per year and usually there are 50 to 70 people per time. I didn’t like the fact that the group is that big – no personalized attention possible under these circumstances…

What are the odds of something like that happening?? Not many people KNOW about ayah, let alone TRIED it in this country. What are the odds of me sitting on a plane besides a guy who’s done it AND who’d offer his assistance in introducing me to the group (and this is not a simple offer to make, by the way. I tried for months before I managed to get in touch with people who are involved with ayah). Is ayah calling me back? Is it time? J

The arrival to Cancun was relatively uneventful (I did think for the first few minutes that, finally, the time came that J. forgot that I was arriving and didn’t’ come to meet me. But then I found himJ). From that point, we picked up right where we left off…

Funny, as I mentioned in the beginning, I had this weird feeling that I just left yesterday and not time collapsed since my last visit… Strange…

Ok, here is one more funny part: 5-6 visits back, when I was arriving to Cancun, J. always made sure he wasn’t working that night and we’d go to his place/go out and do something special on the night of my arrival. About 2-3 visits back, J. would pick me up at the airport, we’d go have dinner, go to his place and slowly change and maybe even have a few intimate moments, and then we’d go to this hotel/work as he’d have to work the night of my arrival. This time, we went straight to his work from the airport (no special treatment anymoreJ). Well, we did stop on the way and had a quick bite to eat, but we didn’t even go to his place to drop off my bags ( I had to change in that restaurant’s washroomJ). Well, what can I say… Standards are defiantly slippingJ…

We drove to the hotel and went straight to the night show that already started by that time (M. Jackson, Madonna and J Lo impersonators and other dance entertainment). While he was working, I went straight to the DJ’s booth, said hi to A. and E. and stayed with them for the rest of the show. I did manage to embarrass myself before I left accidentally spilling my pineapple juice all over their equipment (well, all over a piece of their equipment). I said that I was SO sorry and wiped everything and felt SO bad L They always let me hang out there with them, and I hoped they didn’t get too mad at me for thatJ. Interesting part is the fact that we didn’t drop off my bags at J.’s house meant that I still had all my clothes in the car which happened to be VERY valuable given the fact that I was ALL covered in pineapple juice myself J. So, I went to the car and changed again.

One funny moment here too: I took the car keys from J. and went to the car. I opened the car right away as I’ve done it many times before – you just need to push a button on the key (same as with my own car). Then came the tricky part: I tried opening the trunk. I tried pushing the button on the key (same as in my car, right?) – didn’t work. Ok… I tried looking for the opener on the right side of the driver’s seat (same as in my car again, right?) – no, didn’t work. Not only I didn’t find any openers there, I also got machine oil all over my hands. Ok… By that point, I’ve been fooling around with the damn thing for about 10 minutes (and I knew I had very little time left and we had to be leaving to the night club soon and I REALLY didn’t feel like going to the club wearing wet tank-top smelling like pineapple). I couldn’t believe I couldn’t figure out how to open the damn trunk! How hard can it be?? After 5 more minutes I gave up and ran back to the hotel to ask J. for help. On the way back I saw his boss. I stopped and told him panting and sweating (it was around 10pm, but it was about +35C outside) about the fact that I tried everything and I could not figure out how to open the damn trunk. He casually asked me if I tried to use the key…I froze for a second with the blank stare on my face and then burst out laughing. The tricks the brain plays on us when we’re stressed, excited and tired at the same time, hey? J

Ten minutes later J., me and 20 other people left the hotel on the way to the night club. It took J. about an hour to finish his business while I waited for him dancing and watching people around. One thing I noticed while I was waiting for him is that I was enjoying being the part of the “staff” MUCH more than I would if I were the part of “guests” (that applies to my other visits to the night clubs too). Why is that?…

We left the club around 1am. As we were driving home, I felt really good, but super tired (I was up since 4am that day). I considered the idea of making love when we got home, but I just couldn’t imagine it as I was half asleep already at that moment. Well, a few minutes after we arrived home and I took a shower I changed my mindJ. It was quick, nice and sweet… Then J. got up and went to throw out the condom. By the time he came back 15 seconds later I was out cold J. He kissed me good night and went to his room to sleep (don’t you love this arrangement? )

 July 24th, Sunday

We woke up at 8am and drove to work (hotel). As there was heavy traffic that morning, J. was late for work and he didn’t have time for breakfast. So, I had breakfast by myself. Soon after I saw C. and said hi to him (he sent me a message on J.’s phone saying “welcome home”J). C. said that I should go surfing as the weather was very good for that. So I did. I was wind-surfing for about an hour. That happened to be my best time ever surfing as I finally grasped the whole concept of controlling the wind and maneuvering the surf board.  I was very happy with my wind surfing progress (this is NOT an easy skill to master, let me tell you).

After I finished surfing, I had lunch at the table with J. and the entire entertainment staff. It was great. I felt good, relaxed and welcomed…

After lunch, I went back to my spot on the beach and wrote this story for about 2 hours. The rest of the afternoon I spent surfing. OMG! What a difference! It’s like it was with snowboarding for me – I had to go through the falling down phase. I had to stick with it. It hurt, it was frustrating and it was NOT fun. But after I figured out how to turn the board for the first time, it became a different story. The learning curve is super steep. Same with the surfing: I spent many hours in the water at first, not on the board (meaning not surfing, but falling down and climbing back up trying to balance on the board). It was painful, hard and NOT fund at all (I had to force myself to go and try it again and again). But this time I had this “aha” moment when I figured how I was supposed to control the sail against the wind. And now I moved to the completely different level. My goal for the 4 days i was spending in the hotels was to learn how to turn properly (I could balance on the board and could maneuver it. Next step was proper turn). I was super excited about it!

After work we drove home, had shower and spent the next hour guess where… Yes, correct – in bedJ

Around 8pm, we peeled ourselves off of the sheets. It wasn’t that we didn’t WANT to, we couldn’t. After only 5 hours of sleep last night, J. spent the whole day working and I was up since 8am and spent good 4 hours surfing (hard-core exercise). We took a shower, dressed and drove to visit M. who’s been staying at home for 9 days after a motorcycle accident (J. had the night off from work). Knowing the way Mexican drivers behave, I was surprised M. ended up with only 2 scars on his left arm (that had to be stitched in the hospital) after a taxi driver knocked him over. We stayed at M.’s place for about an hour and drove back home.

There is an interesting observation I’ve made about J. When we visit J.’s friend(s), they usually all speak Spanish (as most of their family members don’t speak English). I can only talk to M. or J., but I never felt left out as 80% of the conversation revolve around me and J. anyways. But this is not my point. My point is that I REALLY enjoy the way J. behaves when we visit them. He acts… normal. Let me try to explain.

I believe I don’t know J. AT ALL. These brief visits I’ve had over the last 3 years give me absolutely nothing in terms of getting to know this person. All of us play roles in life. Same with him – he plays different roles when he’s at home, at work, with his friends, with his parents, with me.

He is what I see:

• At work, guys make fun of him most of the time. Most of it is good-natured fun and usually related to me in one way or another (I can only speak for the time I’m there, of course). The only time it gets slightly rough is when the person “joking” is C. And he can be quite harsh sometimes (though I don’t think he does it out of meanness. It’s just his way of relating to J., I think. I also think he values his relationships with J. quite a lot. Just he has a lousy way of showing it). My point is that at work, J. gets laughed at quite a lot. He takes it lightly and doesn’t pay much attention to it (except for few times when C. gets to him).
• At home, he is very caring and loving son

Both of the above behaviors don’t appeal to me at all…

• When he is with me, J. acts… as a spoiled child: sometimes he’s too loving, other times he’s too mad at me. He has these mood swings that are quite tiring and hard to handle. Given that I used to do the same thing and behave exactly the same way with my former BFs, I know perfectly well the way he feels and how hard it is to control yourself. At first, I reacted quite strongly on this (and, sometimes, still do). Most of the time, it’s a vicious circle: first, say, he would get upset with me over something. I would try talking to him, and he’d snap at me or just would act irritated/annoyed. I’d take it for a while, than I’d snap back at him. Now, he notices that he went too far and would start sucking up to me and speaking in very different (apologetic) tone. But now it’s too late – I’m mad and I’d ignore or bark back at him. Then, he gets mad again and, finally, we both are mad and don’t talk to each other for hours. That is, pretty much, the way we’ve communicated with each other over the last 3 years. Lately, I’m trying to control my reactions to his mood swings, it’s working … sometimes. Other times, I’d bark at him, and stop talking, but instead of hours, I’d go back and try talking to him just a few minutes later (HUGE progress on my part, btw). As in the previous 2 cases, I don’t like both of his extremes with me: whether he’s in the “too much loving” mood or in the “hating me” mood.
• BUT, when we visit M., I see a TOTALLY different side of him – a side I REALLY love. He behaves very… I’m not sure what the right word here is… I think he feels very relaxed with them, and doesn’t expect any mean jokes or other kinds of verbal abuse. So, he acts… very natural and… mature. Maybe, he’s just being himself there? I can see a MAN (not an intimidated or apologetic or adoring or guilty smiling little boy). I see a CONFIDENT man who is just having a relaxed conversation with his friends. LOVE it! I wish he acted this way with me… Unfortunately, it’s too late now… it’s quite hard to change the behavior pattern once it’s been established…

July 25th, Monday

I usually think my days fly by quickly at home. Well, in Mexico the speed is 1000 times faster. I blinked and I’m at day 3 already (where did the first 2 days of my vacation go??). Monday morning was mostly uneventful: breakfast and then sitting on the beach writing. Oh, yeah, J. bought me 2 beach bagsJ. Right now, I can see him playing beach volleyball with hotel guests about 100m away from me… As for me, it’s time for more surfing! It’s +30C, sunny and beautiful… Life is pretty damn good right now!

…Well, surfing didn’t work out that morning as there was no wind (and it’s kind of an essential part for the WIND surfingJ). Instead, I spent a few hours talking to the water-sports guys and then went for lunch with J.

That day, the new girls who just started working at the hotel, was doing her MC for the first time (leading the main activity of the day on the microphone – very hard job that not many people can do well). As I’m aware of all the internal politics, I knew that this girls was, first of all, really good for the job, and, second of all, S. (the other girl from the entertainment staff) was quite intimidated by this fact and wanted to sabotage the new girl’s performance (so the boss would not like her and not hire her permanently). The new girls did a FANTASTIC job on the stage and I made sure to go and rave to their boss about how perfect she was. I was watching her on the stage and imagining me there. I could not have done half as good job as she was doing up there: relaxed, confident, natural, funny, friendly. GREAT job! Well, she did work in entertainment for quite a few years, but still – this resort is VERY different and she did a wonderful job.

Before the day was over, I still managed to squeeze in an hour of surfing even though the wind was still very light. I was getting MUCH better at surfing and I LOVED it!

We left work and drove home stocking on groceries on the way. At home, we followed the familiar routine: shower, sex, shower again, dress up, drive back to work J

Back at the hotel, as usual, I spent 2 hours dancing near DJ’s booth while J. was selling the tickets to the night club. The rest of the night went pretty smooth: the bus arrived and picked up us and about 50 more people to the club. J. managed to finish his business quite fast at the club and we were on the way home around midnight (that is quite good for this particular club – very popular and quite busy). As J. had the next day off, and we planned to go to Xel-Ha the next day, we tried to get home as early as possible. But, by the end of the day, both of us were really tired, and, to help the matters, on our way back from the club (we took a bus), J. missed our stop and we ended up losing another hour. At that point, it was obvious that we were not going anywhere the next day. We decided to postpone Xel-Ha for a few days and spend the next day relaxing. 

July 26th, Tuesday

Relaxing is not the work I’d use to describe our Tuesday…

We slept in till 11am and I woke up with the feeling that I was missing out on stuff wasting time sleeping. That didn’t really help my mood in the morning. We didn’t have a clear plan of what we were going to do, so we just decided to play it by ear. My mood was quite crappy, and I thought I needed a quicky to, maybe, help the matter (not that I WANTED to have sex, I just thought it’d helpJ). It did help a little…

As J. wanted to buy me a few things, we decided to go to the mall. I would usually prefer to go to the beach, of course. But the sun was INSANE! It was well over 40C and it was absolutely impossible to be outside. Even in the shade the heat was absolutely unbearable! So, we drove to the mall stopping at his parents’ place on the way to drop off his and my laundry (they have a cleaning/laundry lady that cleans/does laundry for the entire family. J., of course, pays for it).

We spent the next 4 hours wondering the mall. That was horrible! Not only that we couldn’t find anything we wanted to buy, but also, probably due to this insane heat, we felt exhausted. The whole experience was really frustrating (same as any time you go to the mall and can’t find what you’re looking for + insane heat on top of that).

Initially, we planned to go to the alligators’’ zoo that is located 30 minutes drive from Cancun. It was already close to 5pm when we finally gave up on the mall and drove to the zoo just to find it closed 30 minutes earlier. As we suspected that I was going to happen as it was quite late, we didn’t get upset too much. Instead, we drove another 3km to the nearby beach and spent another hour walking around, lying on the sand and watching cloudy sunset. That was the only RELAXING part we got that day…

After that, we drove back to the city and went to a different mall hoping to find something there just to leave empty handed 2 hours later. By the time we got home, I could hardly drag my feet. Given that I haven’t’ really done ANYTHING that day, I thought it was quite funny that I was SO exhausted. The minute we got home, I had shower and collapsed on my bed. Few minutes later I was asleep.

July 27th, Wednesday

I woke up to very cloudy sky – the sun was gone (I think I complained too much about the heat the day beforeJ). The mood was not the best and we managed to argue twice on the way to work. I had breakfast alone and now it’s raining and I’m writing here on the beach feeling sad and cold…

The rest of the day went by in the similar manner: rain, watching the contest (Ms. “this hotel”), rain, lunch, rain, watching the contest (iron man), rain, watching tequila volleyball in the pool, more rain, reading the book hiding from the rain under a wrap, going home, changing, having sex, going back to the hotel, watching striptease show, going to the night club (no rain by that point), going to one more night club, taking a taxi home.  That, pretty much, sums up that day. Nothing else interesting happened worth writing about…

One thing I keep thinking about: with every passing day I believe more and more that I know nothing about J. I think that if we spoke Spanish, I’d be able to see a very different side of him. I’m willing to learn Spanish just for the sake of trying to find out if I’m right about that…

OR I can just learn Spanish for the sake of learning Spanish. I feel like I’m digressing in my mental abilities. I haven’t’ exercised my brain SO long that I don’t’ even remember what if feels like to LEARN something! I MISS the feeling…

I have to start learning something, doing something, ceasing opportunities of living in a developed country! I look around in Cancun and feel SO sad. People struggle to survive. J. works 12-14 hour days and makes hardly ½ of what I make working regular 9 to 5 job. He has no time for sleeping, let alone anything else. His job starts 8 o’clock in the morning and ends 1-2 o’clock at night. He has hardly 6 hours to sleep every night and only 1 day off per week. The rest of his time he spends at work entertaining other people. He gives out ALL his energy to others during the day and has absolutely nothing left for himself OR anybody else… And there is not much he can do about it. The country is very corrupt. So, unless you’re a criminal or a corrupted bureaucrat, you can hardly make enough money to survive. It sounds VERY familiar to me…

My point is: I live in a VERY different country and I have tons of opportunities that J. can’t even dream of. Why am I not using them? And if I do, would I feel differently compared to the way I feel right now? Would I stop feeling that I’m missing out on something all the time? Why do I have this constant nagging feeling of my life passing by and me staring at it from the sidelines and wondering where the fuck it is going?..

I HAVE to DO SOMETHING, GO SOMEWHERE< WAKE UP from the dreamlike state I’m in all the time! What the FUCK is happing to me???

I have free time – THAT is what’s happingJ. I let myself have some free time and let my brain wonder and look what happens. I freak out right away… That’s why people keep themselves busy as they’re afraid of ECACTLY THIS STATE. They’re afraid to stop, look around and think for a moment about what’s REALLY happening with them. The picture that they discover scares the shit out of them. So, they quickly get themselves busy again just to escape this frightening reality as they don’t WANT and don’t know HOW to deal with it… So, we have a society of zombies who live in dreamlike state 99% of the time..And then we ask what the fuck is happing to us, to this society, to this world, to this planet… All we need is just to wake up COLLECTIVELY, face the REALITY and DEAL WITH IT!!!

July 28th, Thursday

I woke up to a cloudy, but rainless sky. So far, nothing unusual/interesting happened: breakfast and now writing… North wind is blowing – not a good sign (might bring more rain)…

Well, rain never came that day. the weather improved and I enjoyed hot sunny day. after lunch, I did some more surfing. This time I persuaded J. to go surfing with me as I wanted to learn proper turns, but he didn’t’ have much time and the wind wasn’t’ strong enough. So, we just ended up surfing together for a little while that was fun. Then he went back to work as it was time to start locking up the place.

The rest of the day was typical: drive home, change, drive back to the hotel, mingle with people, go to the club, go home. Nothing special, but still very cool…

July 29th, Friday

We decided to get a good sleep and not rush to Xel-Ha that day (J.’s holidays finally began and he was to spend the rest of the time with me). So, we woke up around 9am, had breakfast and headed towards Playa. We arrived to Playa, checked into a hotel, and spent the afternoon on the beach. We found this great place where they have soft beds on the beach – it was fantastic! (see pictures).

One interesting thing I should mention that happened that afternoon. When we went swimming, we played in the water for a long time. Then, J. got a hard on (nothing unusual, let me tell youJ). We continued kissing and hugging in the water. Slowly, his “tool” found his way to the familiar place. Interesting thing here: did I want to have sex that particular moment? Not really. Was I worried about not having a condom? YES, of course!! Did it stop me from having sex? Not at all! WTF??? What the fuck is wrong with me? Yes, I have an IUD inside, but these days, I exclusively use 2 ways  of protection. So, condom is mandatory! And then, a split second lapse in judgment and I might dearly pay for it later (I’ll found out the next month if this is the case). Why am I STILL so stupid??? I’m 37, for fuck’s sake! When do I learn?? Well, all this crap aside, it actually felt quite good as I came right awayJ (except for the fact that I almost choked on the salty water and had a cramp while I was comingJ) That was the first time I did anything that crazy (sex in the water in public place).

We spent the rest of the day lying on soft beds and relaxing on the beach. We left around 7pm and headed back to the hotel where we had a shower, changed and went out to have dinner. We stopped at a nice Italian restaurant where the food was mediocre, host was arrogant and prices were outrageous. I’m not sure why we haven’t left, but in the end, we spent $100 (!!!) there and were completely unsatisfied. I was much more upset than J. was (you know how I “love” wasting $$, even if they’re not mine). And J. forgot about this unfortunate event in 10 minutes while I was still brewing about it half an hour later. We went for a short walk and were back in the hotel and quickly asleep.

July 30th, Saturday

We woke up at 7am, had breakfast at “100% natural” restaurant and drove half an hour to Xel-Ha. This is Cancun’s most famous park/natural aquarium. We spent the entire day there snorkeling, zip lining, tubing, biking, eating, drinking and having tons of fun. It’s hard to describe how you feel when you’re floating underneath the interconnected web of mangroves (plants that look like trees that grow from water and are very important for the environment and engendered) or when you fly down holding the robe and then jump in the warm water or snorkel and see myriads of colours around. You’ve got to see and experience it to know what I’m talking about…Even though we had a strong tropical storm a few times during our visit, it couldn’t spoil the mood, the breathtaking view and the fairytale-like feeling (see the pictures). We got back to the hotel around 10pm and were quick asleep.

That’s incredible how much energy you spend having fun – by the time I get to bed every day, I can hardly move! And I’m hardly doing ANYTHING! I guess it’s a lot of walking around and, of course, the heat. The temperature climes way above 40C every single day, so we never stay in the sun unless we absolutely have to (walking around or snorkeling). I never suntan and look with horror at these people that are baking in the direct afternoon sun – straight road to cancer-ville…

July 31th, Sunday

And here I’m again – the before last day in Mexico. Have I noticed where the whole week went? Of course, not. It’s good I’m writing it down or it’d just become another blue I hardly remember that feels too painful to think about (as it felt so good and now it’s gone, so, better forget about it ASAP).

We decided (well, I decided) to stay in Playa for the last 2 days. Initially, we were going to Cazumel on Sunday (island an hour away on a ferry), but I decided that I just wanted to stay on the beach and relax (J. need it too).

Ok, 3 guess as to what happens when we have time to relax… Yes, correct: we fight. I keep trying to get something out of J. that he just does NOT have: the intellectual abilities to match mine. Ok, I don’t want to sound arrogant or insulting here. He gives me everything he CAN. He tries his best to make me happy and fulfill every wish I have or even predict and satisfy the ones I’m about to have. But there is one desire I have that he just can NOT fulfill: my intellectual hunger. And I’m FUCKING STARVING!!! And NO amount of sex, food, partying, stuff and any other kind of visual, auditory or sensory stimulation can satisfy this hunger. He’s irreplaceable when it comes to entertainment – he know where to go, what to do, how to do it and how to maximize pleasure/enjoyment to the point of ultimate satisfaction. And if it was everything I needed, I’d be at the top of the world… BUT… it’s not…

I’m desperately looking for people I can talk to back home and not finding them. So, I come to Mexico and get distracted for a while and hope to become satisfied, but I don’t…I’m not satisfied at home, I’m not satisfied on vacation… What’s left? Monastery???…

When I’m at home, I work, I exercise, I eat healthy, I lead an exemplary life style (from other people’s perspective), and I consider ALL of it to be a waste of time…

When I arrive to Mexico, I party, eat and drink whatever I want (well, to a limitJ), I dance, I swim, I have sex, I suntan, I go on excursion, I surf, I get an overload of different kinds of entertainment and I consider ALL of it to be a waste of time either…

So, what isn’t??? What is it I should do that I would NOT consider to be a waste of time??? What is, in my opinion, the time well spent???…

The words flashing in my mind are: mediation, ayah, learning, parallel universe, psychedelics, healing, help, purpose…

What am I supposed to do with all of this? I truly hope all this “search” I’m doing (or whatever the heck it is I’m doing) will lead me somewhere soon or I’m going to lose my mind…

Now, I’m going to put down this pen, go over to J. who is laying on the chair beside me and give him a big kiss and say sorry for acting as a spoiled bitch… It’s not his fault… it’s just the way he is… And I can take it and enjoy it or just leave it and stop creating an issue out of it! It’s not going to change him, it’ll just frustrate the heck out of us… If I want somebody I can talk to, I should be looking elsewhere…

We spent the rest of the day on the beach, swimming, sun tanning (or, rather, hiding from the sun in the shade) and relaxing. Around 7pm, we left the beach, went back to the hotel, had a shower and changed. By 9pm we were back on the street heading towards our favourite café in Playa. I’m skipping all the details describing the fact that we fought about 2-3 times per hour every hour. But both of us already got used to this pattern, so we just got along with it. After a nice cup of tea with a tasty bagel with salmon, cream cheese, tomatoes, lettuce and campers for me and a cup of coffee and a similar sandwich for J., we went for a walk on the beach and were back at the hotel and sound asleep by 11pm.

August 1st, Monday

And here is my last day in Mexico… We slept in till about 10am and then spent another hour and a half doing you know what. By noon, we checked out of the hotel, went for breakfast and later to the beach and spent the entire day sun tanning and swimming (we decided to rent the same soft comfy beds as 3 days before).

As J. had to go to work around 10pm, we headed back to Cancun after 6pm. The rest of the evening was usual: drive home, change, drive to the restaurant to have dinner, drive to the hotel, dance with DJ’s, take pictures with fire show guy, drive to the night club, go for a short walk around and drive back home.

August 2nd, Monday

I don’t feel like describing my departure from Cancun. There is only one moment I’d like to mention: right before I said last good-bye, J. said “oh, mami is leaving”. I clinched my teeth and cringe inside, but said nothing as there was no point. I didn’t want to explain to him again and again how much I hate his constant child like behavior, and the fact that I absolutely HATE this “mother” role he assigned to me. What’s the point?…Again, whether I take it or leave it… No point to fight it, right?…

The flight from Cancun to Phoenix was uneventful. However, that’s where the “uneventful” part ended. As I arrived to Phoenix, I had about an hour and a half before my next flight.  I don’t like waiting at the gate area, so, I try staying away from there for as long as I can. That’s exactly what I did this time: I went to the food stand and had a quesadilla chewing slowly and enjoying the taste. Then, about 20 minutes before the departure, I checked the gate and saw that the boarding already started. I decided I still had time for a quick run to the washroom. At 15 minutes before departure, I approached the gate and opened my bag to prepare to show my passport and the boarding pass none of which happened to be inside the bag! I checked and rechecked and rechecked my small bag and my back-pack– same result. My passport together with the boarding pass was missing. I went into a complete panic mode. I couldn’t believe somebody stole my passport!

I imagine the horror of staying in the US and dealing with American AND Canadian immigration  - the hairs on my neck stood up… Meanwhile, the time of departure was fast approaching. Then, I tried to come down, concentrate and trace back my steps. I slowly started thinking whether I could leave it somewhere and, suddenly, realized that the woman at the security check point told me to put my passport IN the basket that goes through the scanner (that I NEVER did before). Obviously, I forgot it there! I jumped up and started running to the check point. But, then, I realized that even if I run as quickly as I can, it’ll still take me more than 15 minutes to go there and back. I turned around and ran back to the airline counter. Panting, I managed to explain what was going on. The airline rep called the cart driver and asked him to drive me there to check if they have my passport. The driver of the cart was a middle-aged Spanish speaking (probably) guy who operated in the Mexican-like fashion – VERY slow. I felt like jumping off that damn thing and start running, but I knew I won’t make it. So, finally, we got to the security point. I ran inside and, with wild expression on my face, started asking if they had my passport. The girl quickly asked if I’m so and so, and I almost ran to kiss her. I was SO happy to find my passport! I jumped back on a cart and thought that we’re going to drive back ASAP as my flight was about to leave. Not so fast – my driver was much more concerned about the tips than about my leaving flight. So, he got himself a family of 4 to drive the opposite way to the one I needed to go to. I almost choked the guy, but stayed quietly and waited for him to drop them off, get tipped, and drive towards my gate. My flight was leaving in 5 minutes… Well, long story short, I made it to my flight and stopped shaking only about 20 minutes into the flight. I couldn’t believe I dodged that bullet J

However, my happiness quickly disappeared when, the next morning, I discovered that my suit-case was “broken into” (I’m actually not sure how they got in as I had a lock on my suit-case that wasn’t working properly, but still locked the suit-case and seemed intact when I picked up my bag). The only valuable thing in my bag was my $200 Oakley glasses that I ABSOLUTELY LOVED. They were gone…

This story ends my July 2011 vacation… Now, I’m back at work, bored, sad, restless…

What’s next???…

Sunday (May 1st)

While we were in Playa, we decided that we were going to visit Xel-ha the next day (natural park an hour drive from Playa). Sunday morning I woke up and coughed for about 15-20 minutes non-stop. Same as last night, it felt like it was never going to stop. I also had sore throat again. It was 7 am and I realized that J. forgot to set the alarm (we were going to wake up at 6am). However, with my sore throat and cough and broken car (we’d have to take an air-conditioned bus), I felt that was not the best time to enjoy the park (where the main activity is snorkeling that I would probably not be able to do due to my sickness. And even if I did manage to do it, this might worsen my state and I had a 10 hour flight ahead of me the next day). So, as J. woke up 30 minutes later, he was upset he couldn’t take me to this park (that would cost him close to $300 with the admission, food and gas), but agreed that was probably a good idea.

I told him that was our last day and I just wanted to relax and take it easy. I looked at the clock – it was 8:15 am. I took his hand and gently led him to my bedroom… The next time I looked at the clock it was almost noon. J. agreed that not going to the park was a really good idea (after spending 3 magical hours with me in bed )…Some time later, we took our beach staff and took a taxi to the restaurant where we had a great breakfast. The restaurant was called “All natural”. They specialized in healthy food. I loved that restaurant.  I had omelette with asparagus and cream cheese with fresh squeezed green juice (aloe vera, pineapple, cactus, etc.)). Great breakfast!

After breakfast we went to the publish beach. It was quite windy, but I still enjoyed the beautiful view of blue water and white sand… I felt happy…

After a few more hours on the beach, we took a bus to the mall to pick up the extra parts for our bracelets (4 small silver clips $40 each) and took a taxi to the other mall where we bought a present for my daughter (I asked J. if he wanted to give anything to her for her upcoming birthday, and he said yes). At the same mall, we had dinner (ribs at Chili’s).

When we came home, J. attached the clips to the bracelets that made a huge difference – bracelets looked SO MUCH better now. Looking at our initials on the bracelets, he said that when we brake up and I didn’t want to have his initial on my bracelet anymore, he asked me to not throw it in the garbage, but he wanted me to go to the English Bay and throw it in the water… I started crying…

On Monday morning we woke up early and clung to each other for a few hours before we had to get up and drive to the airport. These last hours always get me totally “unglued”. I feel SO… upset, angry, frustrated, lonely, broken, lost, abandoned at the same time… HATE it….

During the flight, I spent a few hours thinking about this entire situation and couldn’t understand what I wanted anymore (surprise, surprise, hey?). Do I want to be with him? I’m not even talking about if it’s possible or not at this point. The question is would I WANT to stay with him at least for a little while???

This guy is the most kind, caring, loving, genuine, unselfish human being I’ve ever met in my life. I’m not sure if he’d continue to be this way if I stayed with him for a longer period of time. But, for these short “honey moons” we have, he makes me feel SO special and unique in so many ways! At this point I KNOW it’s not about sex (and trust me, if anything, this is the ONLY 6^th sense I have. So, if somebody does something for me expecting sex in return, I can SENSE it on some deeper level). The guy just WANTS to be with me for whatever reason… I can NOT understand what the reason is. I do not understand what it is that he finds so special about me. But he just ADORES me…

Also, this guy ENJOYS GIVING (not only to me, to other people as well). On top of that he is genuinely happy when I’m happy. ALL he wants is for me to be happy. He would go to any lengths just to satisfy whatever desires I have. He ENJOYS spending money on me JUST because it makes me happy that makes HIM happy in return (I’m NOT fucking kidding. He IS like that. I’ve NEVER seen anything like that in my entire life. I can SEE it and I can FEEL it!) 

In the sex department he is wonderful as well (and coming from me, that is an ultimate compliment, trust me).

But, at the same time, I have NOTHING in common with him. I have absolutely NOTHING to talk to him about. Well, it’s not true… We DO talk about some things… But, I guess, nothing that stimulates my intellectual potential… But maybe it’s not him, it just his English? .. Also, it’s not really HIS job to stimulate MY brain, right? Is it even supposed to be a criterion when you chose a mate? WHAT IS IT that I WANT a guy to be like???

I mean, let’s face it, I will NEVER be able to find a guy who treats me better than J.. As far as he’s concerned, the world revolves around me. No, sorry, HIS world revolves around me. I AM his world. But, do I really want this?? Do I want to have a guy who is SO MUCH consumed by me? Is it my need for security and protection talking? Am I just looking for a guy who would NEED me so much that he would never even THINK about leaving me? Is that IT? Is it why I keep coming there? Because I THINK (or pretend) that he would always be there for me and this makes me feel … secure? Or I’m just going there to feel loved (even though I have nothing to give in return)?…

If I look close enough, this relationship seems perfect: he enjoys taking care of me, I enjoy being taken care of; he loves to give, I love to take; he wants to love me, I want to be loved; he needs me and I enjoy being needed, etc…

If we’re talking about that “mature” love, isn’t it supposed to be based on mutual love and respect? Well, he loves and respects me, and I … respect him (love part is missing here, I guess. But, at the same time, I don’t know what love IS!!! So, how do I know if I LOVE HIM?? Maybe I do??)

So, do I want to be with a guy who loves me, cares about me and supports me or I want a guy to challenge me in different respects? Do I want it to be easy or hard? What do I want? And if I had to choose, what is more important for me? All the questions I have no answers for…

I know I might meet some guy and “fall in love” (as I usually do) and go all crazy about him for ALL the WRONG reasons (just based on some chemical reaction in my brain). But, then maybe this IS the right reason – if the chemicals say that I’m attracted, than means that I should be with this guy? Or it’s just my genes talking that want me to procreate?

I know what my genes want… But what do I want? I WANT a guy to stay with me for the REST of my life and LOVE me forever. And I want to LOVE him, and I want us to live happily ever after and die in one day (fucking fairy tales…). My IDEA of LOVE is all screwed up!!!!! What should I do???? HOW do I get it back to normal??? But, then what “NORMAL” is anyways???? ARRRGGGGGHHHH!!!! HELP!!!!!!

As my friend says, it’s all about what you FEEL… Well, one day I FEEL that this is all a mistake and I HAVE to stop going to Mexico as it’s unproductive, even destructive, for both of us (those were my thoughts on the plane). The other day ( as in right now) I FEEL like I miss him and I want to go back and I really like that guy. So, HOW is it I should figure out what I FEEL??? My “feelings indicator” is all screwed up completely!!! So, how am I supposed to decide what the right thing to do?? No, not the “right” thing… Rather , how do I figure out what I WANT to do on a going forward basis???

Should I try and spend some more time with him (as in go there for the 2 months I’m thinking about)? Or should I just forget the whole thing and move on with my life??? This is SO confusing… My emotions and feelings are confusing, thus, I cannot make any rational decisions…  

I remember reading about patients whose part of the brain responsible for emotions or feelings (don’t exactly remember which one) was damaged. And researches were predicting that these people’s lives would be so much easier to navigate as they would have a clear picture of what’s happening in any given situation that would give them advantage over other people in making decisions. The complete opposite held true. It took them FOREVER to make any sort of decisions. The fact that they had no emotions that influenced their decisions made it almost impossible to make those decisions as they were not able to decide, in a short period of time, what decision they’d prefer (like). They had to go over EVERY SINGLE detail of EVERY SINGLE option OBJECTIVELY, assess ALL pros and cons, and make the decisions based on all the known facts (that took a lot of time and was very frustrating). So, researchers say that when we make ANY decisions, it is ALWAYS influenced by what we feel (it’s NEVER objective, no matter how much we try to be free of biases. This is just not humanly possible). We weigh in pros and cons of a situation, but then make decisions based on what FEELS right (even though it might go AGAINST what the FACTS show us the correct direction/option should be (as in when we say that my head tells me one thing, but my heart tells me the opposite)).

So, in this situation, it seems like I have this sort of a situation: I can’t make a decision as I don’t have the support of my feelings. I do NOT understand what I FEEL towards this guy… Here we are at square one again… Wasn’t it the very first question I asked myself when I started all my soul searching 5 years ago???… Or maybe the very fact that I’m even asking this question means that I don’t HAVE any feelings towards this guy, but I just WANT to have them??

Ok, I’m going to stop tormenting myself, and leave it at that. I don’t know what to do, so, I’m just going to see what happens. The time will tell… When I can’t make a decision on my own, the decision would have to be made FOR me (very passive approach to life, but the only one I see possible at this point)…

Saturday

Saturday morning,  as was decided last night, we started getting ready to drive to Playa del Carmen (I love the beach in Playa, and, also, I wanted to buy pants there during my last visit. So, J. offered to spend a day in Playa and correct the situation with the pants:)). We made one stop at Starbucks on the way and set our course on Playa.

One moment everything was wonderful: we were driving, talking and drinking coffee. The next moment, I heard a bang sound and the car started sliding sideways. The impression I had was like we just hit black ice. With horror, I saw us sliding ahead and sideways at 120km/h. I saw that the car was about to flip over… Everything was happening SO freaking fast…The next moment we started sliding over to the other side of the road moving towards the dividing fence. We hit the fence with the right side of the car that slowed up down a little. The card started spinning around and I could clearly see that it was about to flip… We span around, hit the curb and stopped. I could NOT believe we were still alive…

We got out of the car and saw the rear right tire torn to shreds. and pieces of the right side of the car scattered all over the road. I haven’t’ stopped shaking for the next 10 minutes…We were SOOO lucky to go through this whole thing without a single scratch… Our car could’ve flipped, we could’ve been hit by the passing car or we could’ve flipped and got on the opposite side of the road and got hit by a car… Given the average speed on this road was 120 km/h, our chances of surviving would look pretty slim… Both of us or, at least, one of us has a super caring angel…

 After damage assessment, we realized that, even though, the entire front part of the car was gone, everything else, besides the torn tire, was working properly. J. took out a jack and tried changing the tire. But the tools didn’t work, so he went across the road to ask if he could get any help while I stayed sitting on the side of the road besides the car. For about 10 minutes, nobody stopped to ask what a girl did sitting on the side of the road with the card that had parts scattered in 500 m radius. As I noticed J. coming back empty handed, a car stopped and a guy got out asking what happened. He happened to have the right tools to change our tire (or rather what’s left of it). After the guy helped change the tire, J. tipped him and we got in the car and continued driving to Playa. In the end, the entire ordeal just slowed us down by about an hour:). After we got to Playa, we had lovely lunch, swam in beautiful warm blue water and drank fresh squeezed orange juice for the rest of the day. If only ONE small detail went slightly differently, we could be in the hospital or in havens. Instead, we were enjoying life on a beautiful beach.. Life is so fragile and unpredictable… I’d rather live it…

We stayed on the beach till 6pm. I was looking forward to the walk on the main street of Playa. It’s about 2km long street with tons of small restaurants and shops on both sides. Five minutes into the walk, J. pointed to me the store with my pants. We walked in, and I went to try them on. I grabbed a matching white top to try on with the pants. Pants looked good, but the top didn’t. J. offered me a different top that I tried. As I tried on the whole set, I realized that I LOVED the outfit. I haven’t been so excited about a purchase in a long time

As I didn’t have white underwear to go with the seethrough pants, we went to a different store and bought me white laced panties. I put them on with my new pants and the top and almost had an orgasm (same as J. when he saw me). The outfit looked like it was made for me (later, we came back to this store again and bought 3 more pairs of the same panties in different colours).

After a half an hour photo session with me as a photo model and J. as a photographer (with the promise from me to pose more at home without the pants ), we settled in our favourite café where we usually drank tea with some pastries on a few of our previous visits. We spent about 2 hours there talking and watching the passersby. I felt fantastic! Soon, it was time to go back home (we still had 100 km to drive on a car that just had a major accident).

As we approached the car, we noticed that rear lights were on. After trying to start the car, J. realized that he forgot to turn off the lights (surprise, surprise…). Battery was dead. Now we had to look for somebody to jump start the car. He went to talk to taxi drivers and got one of them to help us for $50 pesos. First, I got angry at him for throwing money away again. But he said that nobody wanted to do it, so he had to offer money. I shut up and apologized later for snapping at him (it takes FOREVER for him to get back to normal state after he gets mad at me. My apology doesn’t matter. He just gets mad and nothing gets through to him. Unfortunately, I do the same thing. So, I KNOW exactly how he feels and let him do it…We both have to deal with this issue.)

The drive home was uneventful until we entered the house and tried to turn on the light. The power was gone. At that point, all we could do was laugh (well, I laughed, J. didn’t. He thought that I was having the worst vacation ever even though I told him it was not true). The power was restored relatively quickly with a simple click (somebody turned it off from the outside). Twenty minutes later I was in bed asleep.

Friday

Friday morning, the moment I opened my door, J. asked me if I wanted tea. I muttered “uh-huh”  in response and lied down on the living room sofa. I was drinking my tea and writing my story, and J. was in his room reading. Was I still angry at him? Not really… But I didn’t know what to do about all of this. I could just walk over to his room, kiss him and he’d forget we ever even had a fight. But I didn’t want to do it that way… Should I just ignore the fact that J. was writing letters to his exes? Should it NOT matter to me? On the other hand, every time I came to Cancun, I try telling myself that it’s just for fun, nothing serious, blah, blah, blah… But, in reality, I can NOT do it! I can NOT sleep with a guy and NOT get emotionally involved. I’m just NOT like that. And it hurts when, first, I hear him telling ME that he loves me (and I believe him), and then find out that he tells the same thing to somebody else…

After sitting on the sofa for a few more minutes, I decided that I was going to change my tactic (from a stick to a carrot). Instead of yelling and demanding from him to show me the messages, I started seducing him while asking for the same thing. He tried resisting at first, but his defense lasted for only a minute. A few moments later, I had him promising me to show me anything I wanted (including those messages). However, somehow, I quickly became disinterested in his e-mails, messages, ex-girl-friends and everything in between as his tongue touched … The rest is history

Sometime later, we had breakfast and drove to the beach (I was feeling better and I couldn’t stand spending another day in the house). We had the loveliest day on the beach. It was located about 30 minutes drive from J.’s place.  This was the place where locals come after work or on the weekends to relax. Tourists don’t show up there. The place looked very peaceful: palm trees, white sand and calm blue water (well, the water looked more brown here as there were a lot of sea weed, so it was not the best place for swimming. But, as I said, locals would come here to relax, meaning sit on the beach and do nothing. Actually, I noticed it before. Locals do it a lot: they would just sit on the beach in the shade and do nothing or just sleep.)

We stayed on the beach the entire day. I happened to be in a very good mood. So, we talked, played, climbed the palm trees and just laid down staring at each other or the water. Everything felt perfect. J. asked me if I wanted to go out later that night. It sounded like he was asking me on a date (“would you like to go out with me tonight?”:)). We drove home, had a shower and changed. It took J. forever to get ready, as usual. Yes, in our relationships, J. plays the girl’s part in regards to getting ready. Gosh, sometimes, I get really angry after he changes his mind for the 5^th time about what shirt to wear, what pants go better with this shirt or if his outfit goes well with mine. Sometimes, it amuses me, but, sometimes, it drives me absolutely insane. He spends twice as much time as me in front of the mirror

The first restaurant we drove to didn’t have an English menu.  And, even though, J. could translate everything for me, it was just way too much work for something that we were about to pay more than $50. So, we got up and drove to a different restaurant. The second restaurant I remembered as we visited it on my previous visits. This locals’ restaurant is always busy with people waiting outside to get in that is usually a sign for good service and good food. They didn’t disappoint us: my shrimps were done perfectly and we had excellent wine. So, dinner was perfect. By the time we got home, I was too tired for anything, so, I went to bed and fell asleep minutes later.

I woke up in the middle of the night again coughing uncontrollably. I got up to make myself gurgles. Guess what the first thing was that I saw when I turned on the light…Yes, huge brown cockroach running past me from my room to the bathroom. As the last time, I was hurting too much, so I had no time for any emotions. I tried doing gurgles, but was choking as I couldn’t stop coughing. Finally, I managed to finish the full cup, and woke up J. to deal with the cockroach that was still exploring our living room. I told J. to let cockroach go, and J. pushed the insect outside. I spent another half an hour coughing and crying on the floor as this whole thing became so painful and had no indication of ever stopping. Eventually, after sucking on another hall candy, the cough let me breathe a little and I went to bed and fell asleep just to wake up a few hours later in the same condition. That was already 7 am. So, I just got up, made myself tea and had breakfast. Cough slow subsided.

Thursday

I woke up in the middle of the night choking myself coughing… I managed to fall asleep again about an hour later…Thursday morning, I woke up at 7:30am having barely 4 hours of sleep. My throat hurt so much! I did understand that sooner or later I had to get sick due to frequency of coming to Mexico. But I didn’t want it to be THAT painful!!! HELP!

For the next 14 hours I read my book “The girl who played with fire” and finished 724 pages in one day. That book was perfect for my condition as I couldn’t go anywhere and had to stay inside the whole day. We haven’t said more than 10 words to each other the entire day! What the fuck am I doing here? I should STOP this once and for all!! This is not healthy neither for me nor for him! The next time I’m planning to fly to Mexico, PLEASE talk some sense into me! Oh, wait, what about those 2 months of vacation in Mexico I’ve been planning for? Should I just forget about it now? Or shouldn’t i? Do I sound as a mad woman? Good, because I FEEL like one!!

J. left somewhere and I didn’t know where he went. When he is home, I have no inclination to talk to him. And when he does talk, his every word annoys me. But when he is not there, I can’t wait for him to come back…. What the heck???

I was playing with his phone and found some of his messages to some of his exes looking like love notes… It got my blood boiling! I was sure, if I asked him, he was just going to say that it was nothing… Does he have a few of us (girls) coming over during the year? Or, say, he has physical contact with me only (as he claims he does), but he continues exchanging love letters with some of his former girls? Why does it bug me so much?? Jealousy… Possessiveness… Ok, deep inhale… Deep exhale… One, two, three… nine, ten… Breathe, just breathe…

There are 2 things I remembered that I forgot to mention before (as I was lying there in the dark listening to the kids playing outside and waiting with anticipation for J.’s return):

1. During my second night in Cancun, I woke up with unbearable burning pain in my right eye. For some reason, I tried opening my eyes and felt sharp pain in the right eye that felt like I had a needle in there. I tried rubbing my eyes to get the thing out, but only created more pain.

I got up and went to the bathroom. The moment I turned on the light, the first thing I saw was a huge (about 5 cm (2in)) cockroach lying upside down right in the middle of the floor moving his huge legs trying to turn over. Under different circumstances, I’d be totally freaked out, but I had no time for that – I had a freaking log in my eye I needed to deal with.

I spent the next 10 minutes trying to find what it was that was causing the pain (I couldn’t find anything). I woke up J. He spent another 10 painful minutes on my eye, but found nothing too… It still hurt like hell, but there was nothing I could do. I just hoped I’d be able to fall asleep and it would go away. That precisely what happened: I fell asleep and woke up the next morning as nothing happened. I felt some discomfort from pulling and stretching my eye, but not even a hint of the sharp pain I felt at night. Was I woken up to see the cockroach?

2. After J. gave me the bracelet the other night, among other things, I asked what the heck it is about me that he likes so much and where these “strong feelings” come from. I asked him to come up with at least 3 points. Here is what I got:
1. You’re beautiful (well, that’s subjective)
2. You take me seriously (I’m not quite sure what he means by that. I think he refers to the fact that other girls just came over to party, drink and have sex with him, but I was different..)
3. You make me be a better and healthier person (he refers to the fact that I convinced him to stop drinking and partying and become more responsible. Thanks to me he cut down on entertainment side of his life, and started leading a LITTLE bit more responsible life (bought a car, bought a house, stopped drinking, started exercising a little bit, became more careful with his money)

A few hours later, as J. came home, we broke up… I asked him about those phone messages, and he said it was nothing (as I predicted). Then, I told him to prove that it was nothing and show me those messages. He said no… I said if he didn’t show me those messages right then, I’d never set my foot in this house ever again! He told me to forget it. I told him to fuck of… A few minutes later he told me that he may have sent some e-mails… But he said it was nothing.. It meant nothing.. I asked if he told those girls that he loved them. He said yes… but he said he thought that I would not come back (this is your fucking excuse??)…

We yelled at each other for about another hour, and then I went to my room, slammed the door behind me and went to bed… I was lying there and asking myself why I’m so mad at him… I could TASTE the raging fear inside me!… I was vibrating with anger!… I WAS the anger!!!… I was ONE with the anger… I tried separating myself from the emotion… I tried looking for ME who was just HAVING strong uncontrollable emotion. No use!… All I could find was one overwhelming emotion that consumed me in my entirety… Controlling the emotions I have… What fucking control are you talking about???? SO MUCH work still needs to be done…

Anyways, I woke up in the middle of the night again coughing so hard I thought I was going to die right there and then. It lasted for about an hour… J. was sitting at the end of my bed giving me water, pills, napkins, etc… The thought of not helping me because we just had a fight a few hours ago never even crossed his mind… I was having a hard time, and he was right there besides me… And I think I could actually rely on him being there for me if I needed him at time…

 He just ignores all that drama I create… How does he do it? He doesn’t get affected much by my screaming and accusations… But, also, he doesn’t consider writing “I love you” to his ex-GF a bid deal, and just smiles when I happen to yell at him for it (that makes me hundred times more furious with him)…

Wednesday

Wednesday morning I woke up drenched in sweat with horribly sore throat. Again, the entire day, I’ve been drinking tea, doing gurgles and being super bored overall. J. was around nursing me again. It’s like having a foreign maid in the house: everything I need gets done, but there is no interaction. We have nothing to talk about, and when he does talk, I get mad at his every other word… No, make it every single one! Everything he says seems whether too obvious (thus, annoying), too stupid (annoying again), wrong or just plain irritating. Most of the time he actually says things to irritate me on purpose (for some reason, he thinks I like it. Or maybe he likes it. I’m not sure what the reason is, but he purposefully gets me mad). Every time I swear to myself I wouldn’t react to his intentional remarks, but I fail EVERY single time. He says something and everything inside me starts boiling with anger and frustration. Why do I react this way??? NO, a better question would be HOW DO I STOP myself from reacting???

As I haven’t had any food since I woke up, I decided I needed to eat something (my throat was still sore, and I didn’t really feel like eating, but I knew I had to get some food in my stomach). J. suggested some salad place. I asked where it was. Ok, here is an example of what he says. I’d expect a person to say something like “15 minutes drive from here”, for example. He says: “Near Costco”. Tell me, am I being unreasonable at being annoyed with this answer??? How the fuck do I know where Costco is in Cancun??

Anyways, we get in the car and drive to that salad place just to find out that they have no English menu (very frustrating as now J. has to translate all the ingredients for me). After about 10 very frustrating minutes, we finally find a salad that sounds ok. As we get to the dressing part, I ask for vinegar. He asks a waiter if they have vinegar (conversation is in Spanish, of course). Waiter says that they have strawberry vinegar. J. says to me “they have strawberry vinegar. It’s like vinegar, but they put strawberry inside. Do you like it?” ARGGHHH!!! “Strawberry vinegar is like vinegar with strawberry inside” Who the hell offers this kind of explanation????

On the way home, as I’m thinking about how I’m going to write all about my frustration, I watch, with horror, as we rear-end the car in front of us. Thinking in Canadian standards, I imagine this long process of exchanging insurances and finding whose fault it is, blah, blah, blah… I keep forgetting I’m in Mexico. Not only there is no exchange of anything, the person in that car doesn’t’ even bother to stop! (Well, his car happened to have no rear bumper, so, I guess, he didn’t really give a shit). He continues driving for a few more meters, stops at the red light, gets out of the car, walks to the back, glances at the back, turns to us, smiles and gives us a thumb up… I observe the entire scene with my mouth literally wide open… Yes, things are done differently in Cancun…

The day seemed to drag forever…I started asking questions: Why am I here??? Why do I keep coming back??? What is it I’m’ looking for here???

Sex? Don’t’ think so. I can go without sex for months (maybe even years… never managed to find out how long i can go without… somehow, somebody always happens to be around who wants to get in my pants)… Even though J. is pretty good in this area, this is definitely not the reason…

Stuff? The fact that he buys me stuff?? (clothes, trips, restaurant meals, etc.)… Well, if instead of buying a $700 plane ticket I bought myself stuff, I’d end up having a shit load of crap… So, that’s not it either…

BF? Pretending that I have a boy-friend? Given that my emotions, when I’m around him, go from madness, anger and frustration to irritation and annoyance with only a little bit of  joy and satisfaction in between… No, I don’t think that is either…

Envy of others that I get to go on vacation to Mexico every 3-4 months? Nice, but not it either…

I think the closes explanation would be having a place to get away and having somebody there who adores me (even though that somebody is driving me absolutely nuts)…

I like him one day, and then can’t stand him the other day…Do I want to be with J.? Why is it so hard for me to answer these simple questions again?

The problem is I don’t KNOW what kind of a guy I want anymore… I had an IDEA of a guy I wanted BEFORE. But now, I have NO idea. On the one hand, I want a guy who’d challenge me, be well-off, intelligent and educated. But, then, on the other hand, I want somebody who’d love me, care about me and support me. Can I get ALL in ONE? I don’t think so… But what is more important for me? Also, I don’t want to compromise… What SHOULD I do??

When I’m in Mexico, I become different… Or am I??? Maybe that’s who I’m and I just suppress it when I’m in Canada? My friend said that it looks like I’m catching up with the teenage stuff that I didn’t’ get enough in my teen years…

Yes, I’ve thought about that before… Yes and no. Yes, as I’ve always felt that I’ve missed out on a lot of stuff and felt left out. But, also, in the last years, I’ve done many things and should’ve gotten enough of it by now.  It just doesn’t look like I’ve gotten enough…. But, I don’t think it’s about having enough or not having enough. I think I’m just different. I don’t want what “normal” 30-40 year olds want. No kids, family, house, blah, blah, blah…I want travel, adventure, risk, fun, challenge, change, discovery, etc…So, I don’t think it’s about catching up anymore (though a part of it still is)… I think it’s just who I AM now… I don’t think it’s going to pass or go away…I don’t think I’ll ever be “normal” and want “normal” things as other people…I’m just… different…

Same with my jobs… What is it I want?? Do I want to be a financial analyst and deal with complex financial models and formulas or I want to be a fitness/yoga instructor and a DJ?? The trouble is I don’t know the answer to this question either… I don’t understand what I want… That sounds stupid, but that’s just what it is. It feels like one thing one day and totally different thing the other day…No, make it one thing in the morning, and another thing at night. I’m all over the place!

I think I’d need some sort of a combination of the two… I think I desperately want some brain stimulation (thus, thinking of doing a CFA and want a job that deals with financial modeling), but I also want (or maybe THINK that I want) something … more fun (like DJ /fitness instructor)… But, maybe I just want this because it would SOUND cool that a CA is also a DJ…(that what would people think)…

I don’t understand where the border is between what I WANT and what I THINK I want… Do I want it just because I WANT it or do I want it because it would LOOK good/prestigious/glamorous/exciting from OTHER PEOPLE’s perspective??? I can’t separate the two…It’s like when I asked myself 5 years ago if I loved my ex-BF or not and couldn’t come up with the answer… Same here: I don’t understand what it is I FEEL/WANT…

Later at night, we watched the second movie we rented – “A Ghost Writer” – much better than the first movie. There were only 2 murders and no monsters :) Yay! And J. fell asleep on the sofa as usual. If he stays in horizontal position without any external stimulation (like me or TV) for more than 5 minutes, he’s out. HATE that!!! I felt so stupid sitting on the sofa besides a guy who was asleep writing this story instead of partying somewhere or having dinner or having sex… ANYTHING, but this! What an “awesome” vacation so far…

Tuesday

Tuesday morning I woke up with no voice, inability to move and 37.5C fever. My body went into sensory overload – too much food, too many emotions, too much action, too big temperature swings (+34C outside and hardly +18C  inside – their air conditioners are monstrous). Plus that long swim in the sea the day before didn’t help either… Finally, J.’s sore throat since the day I arrived coupled with my period completed the picture… Just too much of everything…

Starting form that morning, J. has been playing nurse (and it looked like he was quite enjoying it). As i was too weak to argue, yell or demand anything from him, I just quietly let him know what I needed and it got immediately done (I remember my parents joked that they liked me when I was sick as it was the only time they could talk with me without me yelling back:)). The entire day, J.’s been driving around buying me stuff for my gurgles, for my sore throat, making me breakfast, making me tea, doing foot massages, making my gurgles, making tea again and again, talking to me, telling me the story of his life, making me tea again, and so on for the entire day. By the way, can you imagine drinking hot tea in Cancun? It’s like drinking hot tea inside the Bickram studio

Later that night, we went to the video store and rented a movie. I hoped I’d feel better soon as it would really suck to spend my vacation locked inside J.’s house (though I didn’t mind it that much as I liked having somebody around with the only thought on his mind of making me happy and satisfy my every wimp…)

Ok, after I sent J. to the store to buy me a thermometer, I spent half an hour explaining to him how dangerous it is for the human body to get exposure to mercury, and how careful he should be around that thermometer (he’s never owned a mercury thermometer and didn’t know much about them). Guess what he does the moment he enters the house? Yes, correct. He drops it and breaks it. And he’s like that with TONS of things: he forgets things, breaks things, and looses things. Sometimes I can take it, but something (like right that moment) I felt like punching him (good thing I could hardly move:)).

As planned, we drove to the video store and rented 2 movies. As everything was written in Spanish, I had to choose movies based on pictures on DVDs. I couldn’t recognize any of the movies except for this one movie about human engineering (combining human DNA with something else). I should have noted the genre before renting that movie… That was a horrible movie, especially if you watch it before going to sleep! I tried looking for some stupid comedy shows on TV after we finished watching the movie to lessen the effect of the movie, but there was nothing on TV. I turned the TV off. I really felt like talking, but there was absolutely nothing I could talk to him about… So, we sat in total silence staring at the wall for about an hour. Then, I remembered that he could do foot massage and placed my foot on his lap. He did massage for another half an hour. After that, I informed him that he was sleeping in my bed as I wanted a human being beside me after this stupid movie. But, I lasted only for 20 minutes with him in my bed as he fell asleep the moment he touched the pillow, but continued turning, shifting, coughing and snoring all at the same time. Who can sleep like that? I kicked him out and fell asleep soon after.